What makes a marriage work has been on my mind recently. What with a brother-in-law and a brother getting married a month apart and considering what's been going on in our extended families, it's shocking that it hasn't consumed my every thought.
I dated the SM briefly before his mission, but had been friends with him for most of our freshman year (amazing the allure of free food on the hungry young male - and I used that power most ruthlessly). After a whirlwind affair of IMing and emailing, he entered the MTC. I promptly "Dear John"ed him the first letter I sent to him as a missionary.
Why?
Because I decided that I didn't love him "like that." Ergo, the relationship should be terminated. I mean, every young girl knows you're supposed to be in love with anyone you're dating and considering to marry.
Of course, I still wanted him to be my best friend. And since he was desperate for mail (and he's such a stellar guy and he knew how stupid I was being) he didn't flush my address down the drain even though he was advised to do so by everyone in his missionary cohort.
Fast forward almost 3 years. I'm on my mission, he's been home for a little over 6 months. I get a letter from him, and I'm reading it on my bed. In a moment of shocking realization, I get dizzy with revelation. Here is a boy I don't have any romantic inclinations toward, but I'm writing him pages more than I write even my most loyal friends. He is the person I share my inmost thoughts with. And in that moment, I understood what a sham the necessity of being in love for a relationship to work - no, more than work - thrive is.
I think it is one of the biggest problems facing marriage today - people decide to terminate their marriages daily (and please understand, I'm not saying ALL marriages end for this reason) because they're not in love with their spouse anymore.
Being in love is a very wonderful feeling, but it is also (forgive me) a fleeting and shallow one. Being in love is also a selfish feeling - it is all about how you feel when you're around them. Or to use another limp phrase: how they make you feel. Considering how self-centered our society encourages us to be, I'm not too surprised that the importance of being in love has risen in prominence.
Love, True Love is the antithesis to being in love. It is a selfless feeling because the people you love are more important to you than you. True love is maintenance intensive and often exhausting.
A couple weeks ago some news place (CNN? MSNBC?) had a piece on arranged marriages in India - with the underlying astonishment that something as backward as arranged marriages would happen in our day and age. Especially since it was between two intelligent, consenting people!!! (They both had master's degrees). The man was excited about marrying a girl his parents had found for him. The woman was no less excited about marrying a man her parents had chosen for her instead of someone she had found herself. Both were given final say in whether they wanted to marry that particular person or not - so some choice was still involved.
Part of me is equally shocked that people are OK with their parents choosing their spouses. But most of me wonders what the dynamic of the couple would be where you know that you didn't choose each other. I wonder if somehow their marriage is more viable because it begins on a rational decision to unite instead of a hormonal rush. I wonder if they will be happier in the long run than many people who choose their own spouses because they aren't in love - they know they have to cultivate love for it to become Love, True Love.
I wonder.
5 comments:
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I believe I've seen stats that suggest their marriages are indeed more successful. Although I'm suspicious of that just now as I'm sure it's not including wives set in fire in backwoods India or the fact that a culture that arranges marriages is probably less tolerant of divorce anyway.
But I can't see any reason why such a marriage should not succeed. All things in life take work, beginnings not the least.
Have you seen Monsoon Wedding, by the by?
Anyway, on your post, spot on I think.
I agree with you. Marriage is work. I point out to Theric , probably too often, that I didn't really want to marry him, I just wanted to enjoy that 'in love' feeling--but then God intervened. I had to marry him. "What!? No!" But I knew it could work because we were two individuals with similar goals, backgrounds and testimonies. I knew it would not be easy, but that if I did my part that we could and would (and do) have a happy marriage.
Th.: I haven't seen Monsoon Wedding. I'm guessing it's about a wedding in India...
And Thanks.
Lady Steed: Amen, sister!
I totally had this conversation with my sisters. We've learned that no matter how terrific the guy - no one is perfect. And will you have the strength to work through the tough things or will you give up because it isn't fun anymore? [Not to say that this is the source of all divorce - some divorces, sadly, are needed (if you've ever had a loved one abused, you might agree).]
If I were selfish, I would have found lots of reasons to leave. But remembering that I made promises and commitments not just to myself made me take my petty feelings a lot less seriously. And made me realize any serious problems could be worked through as they come along.
Jane: welcome! you found it!
and, yes - sadly divorces are needed sometimes. we were all very glad when my aunt FINALLY divorced her very abusive husband (that no one wanted her to marry in the first place).
I think part of the reason getting married is important is because when you make those promises, you are making your relationship something much more than just a declaration of love for each other. (which is what some people would like us to believe marriage is all about) you're involving a third party and He will always help you keep your promises.
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